I had a very amazing talk with a beloved and blessed friend last night, one who has been there for me when the ones I thought I needed were no where to be seen. In any case that of course does not matter because I am worried about me and working on me and for once not caring about those who need me when they are needy, not about the love. I’m giving myself time to fully come to the understanding that right now school is not in my near future. finishing my degree in Gender Study is very great to me just not right now. I never wanted to venture, although I am very glad i did it helped me journey through a certain way these past few years but all in all it’s not what makes me happy. If you are not in the mind set to respond to the question, (“what are your plans?”) then something is wrong? I have never been a person to commit to many things, i like being spur the moment and changing my entire life at the drop of a dime. Life is short we all know this and in it we must make ourself happy or its a life wasted. I am not happy I have not been er let me re phrase. I loathe the word happy because I believe that in the U.S. we leave too much to this expectation of happiness and that people can’t be sad or mellow because it’s just not right, and therefore we should feed these people pills and dictate them into a certain realm of being other, than themselves? Although i do believe certain people do need help in keeping a balance of mind and body with medicine, I have functioned on the past many years being stoked on people and events and things but for the greater chunk of my persona I am very mellow and alot of times isolated from the world and my friends. I feel that I am breaking out of this to the point that I can step outside and say FUCK your’e institution. FUCK the expectations that are bred in you that you push on me. I am happy, I am figuring myself out and I am stoked to make plans for the next few months to get me where I want to be. Will it be where everyone thinks? HELL NO! I go back to the one thing that makes me the happiest in life well two, one is travel and the other is cooking. I’m looking into Vegan Culinary School, and to be honest when the lease is up in a few months I’m not sure I have the umph to stay put. Im not sure if I will travel straight to Culinary school or just travel, but what I do know is I do not give a fuck to hear a word of negative from people that have been MIA since i moved back from California. I will say this too, moving home was the worst idea I ever had, and i did it for very wrong reasons. This has been the most miserable year of my life thus far and the most tried. I have never felt more defeated or more alone ever, and I think thats why I have jumbled myself back to the idea of finishing school, because I’m scared of commiting to another year like this. If I go back to school now to finish my degree thats exactly what it will be like. I know I am random and that I say alot of things I want to do and never do them but so do alot of people i just tend to be mroe vocal and passionate about them. This time If I don’t do something and commit to a change I feel like there is only bad things ahead for me. So a change is what will happen. I sometimes forget that people use this site more to just put up pretty pictures and reblog the ones they like , but me I use it as a way to rant and go back to, to keep myself in check. Not for any other being but myself, although if there are those who enjoy reading a crazy perons rant I hope this did not bore.

“Life is a performance, I thought. Perthaps the word “illusion” would have meant more or less the same thing, but to me “performance” seemed closed to the truth. Standing there in the midst of the crowd that evening, I felt this realization swirl dizzily through my body in a dazzling splendor of light, if only for an instant. Each one of us continues to carry the heart of each self we’ve ever been, at every stage along the way, and a chaos of everything good and rotten. And we have to carry this weight all alone, through each day that we live. We try to be as nice as we can to the people we love, but we alone support the weight of ourselves.”

- Banana Yoshimoto

2:02 pm  •  9 November 2009